America Healing Codependency

Codependency Bandaged Heart

The Theme for This Election –
America Healing Codependency

So, I’ve been ranting since the Candidate Debates, and I’ve had some interesting conversations with people. I’m one of the people in my generation who no longer recognizes the America I live in as the place I grew up to respect. But, I also dig below my conditioning to see what’s there. My question always is “How can I use this situation to be more? do more? have more?” Then, it came to me this morning. Below all my family, educational, cultural, societal programming, I have seen this pattern before. The people in our country are acting out their addiction to codependency. Let’s look at what I mean.

Codependency Triad

Here’s a great graphic that describes the triangulation that occurs during codependency.

Codependency TriangulationIf you line up all the current actors on the political scene, don’t you have:

National Codependency Triangle

So, what is happening is that America’s addiction to codependency is being played out on the national stage. Isn’t this an interesting opportunity for each of us to look at where we still are addicted to codependency?

Healing Codependency Is an Inside Job

I’ve been lucky in my personal healing of layers of codependency. One of the leading hypnotherapists in the field, Debbie Unterman of the Alchemical Hypnotherapy Association of Atlanta, is a longstanding friend. The first time I did a session with her in an effort to liberate myself from memories of family oppression, I learned that the Codependency Triangle collapses when the victim rescues his/herself. Luckily, with Debbie I was able to do this in a hypnotherapy session. But, the same principles that work in the inner world work in the outer world.

Becoming your own rescuer helps you stop claiming the role of victim. When you are no longer a victim, the persecutor goes to look for another victim. Rescuers learn that they can be valuable and take care of self first. I’ve been saying this in a dozen different ways in conversations I’ve had the last few days. Let me state this clearly:

When you are no longer a victim, the persecutor goes to look for another victim. When there are no victims, there will be nobody to rescue and nobody to persecute. Then, the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer will dissolve.

No One Can Heal You

I think the problem I’ve had all along in the national debate is that people are looking for someone else to heal their wounds. I know that no one else can heal me. Believe me, I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to figure that one out. I have to do the work myself. You have to do the work yourself. That’s why the government, banking, religious, political, social, and cultural organizations who say they can take away your pain are failing. They are failing because someone else healing your pain is a bandaid. It’s not the deep irrigation of infection that needs to happen for you to come to lasting peace about who you are.

The Failure of National Codependence

If you don’t think this idea of national codependency has practical applications, let me give you an example of one failure of the collective. Some people feel they are victims of the system because they have to pay for college. They feel they are entitled to free higher education, as a right as an American. Conservatives believe people can choose to do what it takes to go to college and that providing free college isn’t the role of the Federal Government. When those who feel they are entitled hear this, they feel persecuted. Into the fray come the Liberals who try to rescue the persecuted by offering free college to these people. Everyone one of these positions has strings attached that keep the cycle of codependency going.

What’s really true is that free college is an attractive bandaid. But, to the many who can’t read or fill in the application, it’s like offering sand to a thirsty man in the desert. It’s an offer, but it doesn’t quench the thirst or save the life. Isn’t it better to rip the bandaid off and admit that in equalizing our educational system, our government failed? The structures are not serving our youth, when graduates from high school can barely read, write, or do math.

The Alternative to Codependency

The alternative to codependency is self-empowerment. It’s about Dads, like mine, coming home late from work and spending 15 minutes helping his kids learn to read. It’s about Moms checking their kids homework. It’s about learning how to budget so that extra money goes into enrichment opportunities and college funds for your kids. It’s about kids caring so much for their future that they’ll do any job and scrimp and save to have that career. It’s about be willing to sacrifice personally for long term gain.

My parents didn’t have the money to put me through college. My college fund was started by my Grandmother. She sneaked me $50 that she had scrimped and saved from her grocery money. I added to that fund myself by babysitting and putting that money away instead of purchasing “store bought clothes.” Then, I started my first real part time job, scrubbing floors at a dance studio. I walked a mile to the bus stop and took the bus to the studio, when I was around 12 years old. At various points in time I had three part time jobs to add to my college fund, and when it was time to pay for college, I didn’t have enough saved to cover all the room and board at a private school, even with academic scholarships. I took out a student loan, finished college, and paid that loan back in full.

It’s pretty empowering to know that I created my educational opportunities for myself. I did the school work and extracurricular activities that got me the scholarships. I did the jobs that paid for my room and board and school loan.

What We Can Do

Codepedency Definition

As healing influences, we can work on our own inner issues of codependency and continue to refine our authenticity at every level. We can encourage others, by example, to see the “inner game of self-empowerment.”  We can talk about all layers of our experience. We can congratulate people who express their authenticity.

Did I come to this more useful viewpoint easily? No, I did not. I went into automatic, habitual responses based on my upbringing, my experiences, and my conditioning. Did that exempt me from digging deeper? No. Every time something upsets me, it’s a sign that there are deeper layers to work on. When I don’t have a charge on an issue, then I’m at peace with myself.

It is my sincere hope and prayer that the national codependency we are experiencing serves its purpose and helps us all to heal more deeply so that we can authentically express the best of who we are as individuals.



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